Yeah, baby!
Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous.
I may just be a small town FBI-agent, slash single mother.
But I'm still tough...and sexy.
Well, Miss Normous...
Shall we shag now or shag later?
Oh Austin...behave.
Hey Powers!
You better watch your freaking self.
Because this is one doctor who does make house calls.
Right, Mini-Me?
Hey, assholes!
I'm right over here, I'm Mine-Me. Come and get me!
- And cut! - That's a cut everybody.
So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest -
- film maker in history of cinema, -
- is making a movie about my life.
Very shagadelic baby, yeah!
Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
Really? My friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Well no offense Sir Stevie, but you gotta have Mojo baby, yeah!
Hit it!
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Sir Quincy Jones.
This is where the movie get its Mojo, baby.
Alright, everybody. Music video, take 2.
It's Britney Spears!
Oops. I did it again, baby.
Welcome back Herr Doctor.
How was space?
Space was cool, wasn't it Mini-Me?
Doctor Evil, while you were in space.
I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money.
And still maintain the ethics in the business practices -
- of an evil organization.
- I have turned us into a talent agency. The Hollywood Talent Agency. - Really?
By charging A-list clients 9 % rather that the traditional 10 %.
We've been able to sign such stars -
- such as George Clooney, -
- Julia Roberts.
And Leo DiCaprio.
Leo!
And the best part of the whole scheme is, -
- we all get our own assistance.
Hi, I'm Number 3.
I'm really excited to be a part of the team, here in HTA.
Very impressive, Number 2, -
- but I finally have the perfect plan.
In the 70s, there lived a Dutch metallurgical heathenish, -
- by the name of Johann Van Der Smut.
He loved gold so much he even lost his genitaliens in an unfortunate smelting accident.
Hence the name...Goldmember.
He invented a cold fusion power unit for a..."Tractorbeam".
"Tractorbeam"
Powerful enough to pull a meteor to Earth.
The meteor was called..."Midas 22".
It's made of solid gold...is he sleeping?
Well, that's okay. I guess Mini-Me won't get any, CHOCOLATE!
You want down Mini-Me? Use your words like a big boy clone.
He's okay!
Here's the chocolate. It's from Brugge. That's in Belgium, that's where daddy's from.
Check out Mini-Me.
He's gone mental on candied chocolate.
It's like freakin' catnip for clothes.
- Your chair, Dr. Evil. - Thank you.
Thanks, scedadum, right.
You know, when you have kids, I think your gonna find out that all kids are different, ey?
For example: Mini-Me loves chocolate.
Scotty don't!
Well, I love chocolate fine. I just...
Scotty don't!
Oh yeah, very familiar, hang on, let me do what I do. Would you stop...
How about I what?
What do you...
I don't even...
Honestly, isn't this...
How about you don't, ladies and gentlemen, Scotty don't.
Dr. Evil, perhaps it's time, that you finish unveiling your plan.
Yes, thank you Number 2.
Ladies and gentlemen, my plan is...
Scotty don't.
Oh, come on, you're such a lame ass!
You know what? This is causing me serious psychological harm!
I don't know. Who am I?
Fine. You know what? I would love some chocolate.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Heel Mini-Me!
Come on!
You okay, Mini-Me?
Did I pull too hard? I don't want to hurt you.
- Dr. Evil. - Yo?
What does Goldmember's plan have to do with us?
Our earlier attempts of the tractorbeam went through several preparations.
Preparation A through G were a complete failure.
But now ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractorbeam.
Which we shall call "Preparation H".
What?
Why don't you just call it "Operation Ass-creamy", ass?
I'm sorry did you want some ice-cream?
Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Perhaps later.
Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Ja, Herr Doctor, it's a really good plan.
Yes, Frau, on the whole, I think Preparation H fells good.
What is it now?
No, nothing. You know what? I agree...
Preparation H does feel good.
On the hole.
Well, I'm glad wir sprechen sie the same lingity.
Ladies and gentlemen. Using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975.
Pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future.
And the best part of this plan is...
No one can stop me.
Not even...Austin Powers.
Not so fast.
You're sorrounded Dr. Evil.
Shit!
Dr. Evil, the world court sentences you to 400 years.
Do you have anything to say?
No, but I think Mini-Me does.
Looks like two eggs and a hankie.
The criminal genius known as, Dr. Evil and his clone -
- were sentenced today at the world organization.
For his efforts, Austin Powers, -
- the son of England's most famous spy, Nigel Powers.
Will be knighted by The Queen at Buckingham Palace.
Arise, Sir Austin Powers.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
Your father must be very proud of you.
Oh, yeah.
Come on dad, stand up and take a bow.
"Daddy wasn't there" Peace!
I am a sexy beast.
It's Austin Powers, you're so funny.
Also very sexy.
Can I have an autograph?
Of course, your name is?
Fook Mi.
Oh behave, baby. Now your name is?
Fook Mi.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Fook Mi, like this.
Oh I see.
Your name is Fook Mi.
You want a drink?
Yes of course, but I have private bar in the back, that you are more than welcome to use...
Here you go.
Fook Mi! That was fast!
Fook Yu.
Oh, you're going the right way for a smack-bottom and I don't care who knows it!
Austin.
This is my twin sister, her name, Fook Yu. Fook Yu...Fook Mi.
Twins...twins
Twins. Yes. We're going to see the twins.
I also think Austin Powers is very sexy.
We think you're very great.
We make you sleepy?
Well, you make me many things, but sleepy is not one of them.
- We give you top secret massage. - Yes, top secret massage, baby!
Sorry about that, I swear to God, that never happens.
Yes, hold on a tick.
Okay, now where were we, baby?
Ah, Austin. I'm sorry to interrupt.
Twins, Basil. Twins.
Austin, it's your father.
- What? - He's been kidnapped.
Very heavy, man. Oh, so that's why my father wasn't at the knighting ceremony.
Well, no actually.
He was kidnapped after you were knighted.
He was last seen on his yatch.
Oh, yes. The "HMS Shag-at-sea". - Exactly, just take a look.
Gentlemen fall in.
Austin, these men were signed to guard you father.
Okay, chaps, chins up, trousers down.
I think we may have found a clue.
Gold blimey! All your privates have had their privates painted gold. How bizarre.
Imagine, guilded tally-wackers, golden wedding-tackle, fourteen-carat trousers snakes...
- That's enough. - Okay.
Basil, there is only one person in the world, -
- who truly understand the psychology of a mad man...
- Dr. Evil. - Dr. Evil.
I've been expecting you, Mr. Powers.
My father is missing.
Yes, I've heard. How ironic.
You finally caught me, yet now you need me more that ever.
But then again, you've always needed me, haven't you Mr. Powers?
Remember when I told you, we are not so different you and I?
We are not so different you and I.
- See, I did say that. - Very clever.
Now who has my father?
Oh, oh...someone have some daddy issues.
Nothing could be my father from the truth.
- You said my father. - No, I didn't.
Didn't, did not.
For me this is a dad issue.
Daddy love me.
It seems the knighting ceremony wasn't the only time your... -
- daddy let you down.
Remember that day at the academy? Think!
It was graduation.
Yeah, baby, yeah. Do I make you horny, baby?
That, that's the spot. Right there.
Have you ever heard of knocking, man?
- Right! - We were just getting started.
Don't forget, Mr. Powers, may tell you about the brief oral exam.
When I have the bit, it's mostly oral, and not too...brief, baby.
You know, brief and oral exam.
It looks like Master Evil is the top-contender for this year's International Man of Mystery.
He's number one in the class.
Hey, everybody, I'm Number 1.
Hello, I'm Number 2.
Nice to meet you Number 2.
But, now I'm going to be named this year's International Man of Mystery.
Who throws a cup cake? Honestly?
And now it's time for award of greatest honour. This year's International Man of Mystery is...
- Austin Powers! - Well done Austin.
It has always been my dream to win this award just like my dad.
Glad he could be here.
Stand up, dad. Take a bow.
Dad?
I had the best grades in the class, and I didn't get diddly squat.
- Here we go. - Tell me Mr. Powers.
What did you find on those sailors? A golden surprise? Perhaps?
How did...yes...all the sailors had their meat and two vege painted gold.
Yes, it's the distinctive calling card of a criminal master mind.
The abli named...
Goldmember.
How can I find this Goldmember?
Quid pro quo, Mr Powers.
Yes, squid pro row.
I'll give you Goldmember. You give me a transfer to a regular prison.
So that I could be with my beloved Mini-Me.
Okay. I'll get you a transfer to a regular prison. Now where's Goldmember?
Not where Mr. Powers, -
- but when.
1975 'Studio 69' Disco. New York City. Corner 69 and 8th.
You go now, Mr. Powers. Fly fly.
I'll get it.
Instead of hiding your father in some remote location. Goldmember's hiding in 1975.
So our engineers has crafted this vehicle, -
- to time travel to the 70s.
- Smashing, Basil. A pimp mobile. - Yes, yes, I knew it would tickle your fancy.
What can I say? Look. Cough...
Here we go, 1975.
Good luck, Austin.
1975, yeah baby, yeah!
Good evening, everybody. And welcome to Studio 69.
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Goldmember.
Everybody, I'm from Holland! Isn't that wierd?
Well. If it isn't Austin Powers.
I'm sorry?
You got a lot of nerve, jagging your jive white ass in here.
I don't belive we have met.
It's me Foxxy. Foxxy Cleopatra.
Long time no see.
Stop!
We can't be seen talking to each other. You dig?
I'm using this cat as a distration.
I get it, yes, very clever.
First things first.
Eight years and no phonecall? Nobody stands up Foxxy Cleopatra!
Where have you been?
Listen Foxxy. I just want you to know I never intended to hurt you, baby.
Well, all I know is. Momma only got a taste of honey. But she wanted the whole beehive.
- Oh, beehive! - You always knew how to make me smile.
Well you know it's a gift really, I...what am I doing?
Foxxy, what are you doing i Goldmember's club?
I'm undercover.
About a year ago, my partner at the bureau was killed.
And that jive-ass turkey, Goldmember is the prime suspect.
Your father is in the back room -
- under heavy guard.
Thanks Foxxy.
Austin, good luck.
Dad!
Hello son. Just overpowering my guards.
I'm here to rescue you. Come quickly!
I got a better idea. Why don't you rescue me in about...what seven or eight minuts?
Knock it off.
I don't wanna see my dad on the job. Come on let's go.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry girls. I gotta...
What's wrong with your neck?
I took a Viagra, it got stuck in my throat and I've had a stiff neck for hours.
Listen, dad, if you are gonna talk about naughty things infront of these American girls.
Then at least speak english-english.
All right, my son.
God, that was good times, son.
Welcome to 1975, Austin Powers and fassia.
Excuse me, while I change, the hola boogie has made me sweaty.
You see Mr. Powers.
I love gold.
The look of it, the taste of it, the smell of it, the texture...
I love gold so much -
- that I even lost my genitalier -
- in an unfortunate smelting accident.
Hence the name...Goldmember.
We're both swingers, you see?
You have a toite body.
Yesh, I see that from your toite bands.
Yesh, you are toite like a toiger!
Would you like a shmoke and a pancake?
A what?
A shmoke and a pancake?
You, know. flapjack and a cigarette?
Hm? All right. Shigar and a waffle? No?
Pipe and a crepe? No?
Bong and a blintz?
Oh, well. Then there is no pleasing you.
That's not right.
Uh, hello, what have we here?
That's a keeper, yesh. Put it in the skin-box, please.
I'm peeling.
Oh, that's just disgusting.
Quickly, quickly, thank you.
Save me for myself.
You're insane Goldmember!
"And that's the away, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it."
K.C. and the Sunshine Band.
Alright, Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy.
There are only two things, I can't stand in this world:
People who are intolerant of other people's cultures.
And the Dutch.
What?
Take the fassia away.
Dutch-hater. And now it is time to say goodbye.
Dr. Evil's orders.
"Which for you is bad news, bears."
Walter Matthau.
Sha-zam! Up yours jive-turkey.
Traitor!
Here's the gun, point it at him.
2002!
- They're taking my father to the time machine. - You say what-machine?
Come on now.
This way, sugar!
That was close Foxxy, I owe you one.
Austin, I found this in Goldmember's office.
- It's a microfilm, maybe a clue. - Smashing.
I wanna go to the future with you.
We can catch Goldmember together. I owe it to my partner.
I should warn you Foxxy, 2002 is very different.
Well, the future better get ready for me.
Because I'm Foxxy Cleopatra.
And I'm a whole lotta woman!
2002, here we come!
All visitations limited five minuts.
No spitting in the visitors room.
Herr Doctor. I have some news.
It's your son.
- He wants to take over the family business. - Scotty does?
- He's gotten so evil he's even started losing his hair. - I know, it's sweet.
Oh, he just wants to make you proud, Herr Doctor.
After all it's hard on the boy not having a father.
You know. First you were frozen, then you were in space, now you're in jail.
Don't tell me he feels neglected.
I was adopted by freakin' Belgians.
You were adopted?
I never met my birth parents.
There was a car accident.
I'm told that it was a beautiful Belgium day.
The smell of waffles and brussels sprout filled the summer air...until...
My birthmother was incinerated.
I only survived because of her smoking carcass -
- formed a protective coocoon of slaughtered human effluence.
A Belgium man and his 15-year old love slave with wet feet -
- was looting the accident scene, they come across a bloodsoaked baby...moi!
They raised me to be evil. You know, that old chestnut.
Ja.
But nothing compares to this.
Being inside the belly of the beast, night after night all alone...
Daddy's all pant up, let's freak.
Times up!
Visitings hours are over. Get to the line.
Cuffs up!
Move it!
Hi there. How are you sleeping? Good?
Gentlemen, listen up, ya'll.
Here's the new plan.
You're gonna start a riot.
And we're gonna walk out the front door.
Hey man, I know guys on crack that makes more sense than you.
Really?
Then let me put it to you this way, 'coz...
Alright, listen up! Tonight 8 PM you're gonna start a riot.
Yes, Dr. Evil!
Attention all guards. There is a riot in progress.
Seal all exits!
Attention, Dr. Evil and his clone are trying to escape.
All guards report to cell block A immediately...
There you are. Good morning, sunshine.
Good morning.
How did you sleep?
- Great! - Me too.
If these lips could talk.
Oh, hello.
You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.
Oh, I hope there's a search involved.
You got mail.
So, what does this thing do?
Well, it's called the Internet.
It complete revolutionize the way we live and access vital information.
For example, have a look at this.
- Now that's vital information! - I know it's amazing.
- Oh, Basil, what's happening, baby? - A lot is happening Foxxy.
Dr. Evil has escaped.
The good news is one of our agents has managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organization.
Excellent, Basil we have been tried for years, to get a mole inside Dr. Evil's lair.
- We now have that mole. - Yes.
Ah, and here he is.
So, you're the...
Mo...mo...mo...
Most...most...most excellent agent we've ever seen.
Yes, the most excellent agent we've ever seen. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I wasn't able to get the exact location.
But I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside Tokyo, Japan.
By the way I realize that I have a large mole on my face.
Where? What? Where's that mole? I didn't see one.
I also realize the ironi, that I am myself...a mole.
No one would make that connection.
Anyway...well done, old chap. Jolly good work.
Nice to mole you...meet you!
- Nice to meet you, Mole! Don't say mole. - Stop!
- I said mole. - Stop!
- Bye - Mole!
Mole!
Oh, shut up!
Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
Up periscope.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to my new submarine lair.
It's long and hard, and full of seamen.
Nothing?
No?
Not even a titter?
Tough sub.
- Dr. Evil, You look very toit! Yesh, toit like a toiger! Yesh Yesh Yesh! - Really?
Yesh, you look like a "macho-man".
Village People.
You know, Goldmember?
I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude!
Yeah! A little creepy!
Ooh yesh! Yesh yesh yesh yesh! This is a keeper!
Alright... you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you?
You did... ok... that's just gross!
Yesh, salty! Yesh that was good!
Ladies and gentlemen.
As you know.
We've been designing a "tractorbeam".
Code name Preparation H.
It's powerful enough to pull the meteor..."Midas 22".
Into a collision course with the Earth, -
- upon entering the atmosphere the hot ball of magma.
Will strike and melt the polar icecaps, causing a global flood.
But enough of my technical mumbo-jumbo.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Lower the globe.
Lower the globe!
Av, av...
Scheisse.
Well, congratulations numb nuts... -
- you've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack in the box!
Get it off. Get it off! It's dark. It's dark.
I'm okay, I'm okay.